Becoming What We Hate
A friend of mine from high school who is now a successful coach and consultant posted this quote this week:
“We all become a well-disguised mirror image of anything that we fight too long or too directly. That which we oppose determines the energy and frames the questions after a while. You lose all your inner freedom”
This quote struck a chord with me and has prompted several discussions. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it in the comments, but here’s what I’m thinking so far.
My first thought was about someone I know who is living this out and it is painful for me to see how it has come to fruition. This person was adamantly and heatedly against what they perceived as someone else’s behavior to the destruction of many relationships. However, now, years later, I can see that he is choosing those same behaviors he once claimed to hate. I’m not sure he would see it that way, but from the outside looking in, it is incredibly sad to see.
This led me to think about the first part of the quote that says, “We all become a well-disguised mirror image…”. Would I even know if I had become something I hate or oppose? If the image is well-disguised, would I even recognize myself in it? This is a strong argument for building accountability into friendships and systems well before it is needed. Wise people taught me this as a young person and I have developed relationships in my life where I can seek truth and have correction given to me gently. There are people in my life, who I already trust and know have my best interest at heart, who have the freedom to call out when there is something of concern in my life. I know they are doing it because they want the best for me, even if it is uncomfortable and causes defensiveness. These people are life lines for me and, I hope, would help me identify if I were becoming something I hate before it was too late.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. - Proverbs 27:6
One of these faithful friends reminded me of the power of lament in turning those frustrations and disappointments over to God and focusing on who we are in Him and His plan for our life. She said, “His perfect love is a much better motivator than fear. However, there is freedom in admitting past, hurtful cycles, but not dwelling there. If we follow the example of psalms, there is a lot of crying about wrong followed by a remembering of God’s past faithfulness as evidence of His future faithfulness on the initial wrong”.
How do we process these emotions? Is it ok to sit in lament, or do I just need to get my mind around it and move on?
In an effort to continue processing what was being prompted by this quote, I brought it to a coaching group I’m part of through Real Change and also in a quick chat with my brother. In both conversations, the theme was about the perspective and the way of looking at things. Instead of saying, “I’m not going to be [insert your negative here]”, or “I’m never going to be like…”, reframe the statement to focus on the positive. Instead of wrapping yourself in someone else’s negative identity, focus on the identity you want to claim as your own. Focus on being the best version of yourself, not the reactive version against someone else’s poor choices.
It may seem like a small shift in perspective and thinking, but it’s a game-changer when you start focusing on the positive identity you want to create instead of what you are fearful of becoming.
In the process of talking about this with the coaching group, I volunteered to be in the hot seat so live coaching could be demonstrated. As we began to dig into what’s currently going on in my life, I was asked to think about how I’ve dealt with loss in my life. I have been fortunate to have not had to deal with much death, especially in my young life, but I did recall being told at 18 that I would likely never have children. What a statement and a loss to carry as a young woman! The nurse who told me was so casual and flippant about it, but it became a banner over me for years and years to come. Without explanation or hope, in that moment, I became someone who could never have, or give someone, children. How crushing!
I was invited to sit with those losses and the many that came after and find a way to let them go and release their hold over me. When we are in the waiting for our miracles, there are so many people in our lives who mean well and say what they hope will be encouraging. And, so often, it’s just not. It’s painful. It’s shaming. It’s condescending. It’s thoughtless. It’s difficult to be mad at these people because, in our hearts, we truly know they meant well. But, because they haven’t walked in these particular shoes, they didn’t understand the impact of their words. But, they landed in such a way as to pierce my heart deeply.
I’m not sure how I feel about the last part of the quote that talks about losing our inner freedom. I imagine it’s the slow fade into a different reality and we begin to choose that which we hated because it’s naturally now what’s before us. We wouldn’t give up our inner freedom if we knew we were doing it, would we?
While we were in the waiting, I did have a friend who put the banner of “Mom'“ over me well before I held my sweet daughter. In hope and prophecy, she spoke those words over me that I was already a Mom just waiting for my baby. What a gift that was! I hope to transition my thinking into this positive and hopeful mindset for myself and for others.
What words are being spoken over your life? Where is your focus? I pray that you find ways to reframe your narrative, even in the waiting, so that you may see the fruit of that hard emotional labor. May you become the good you desire and not that which you hate.
